Just a small warning: This may be kind of all over the place but Im trying so hard to post something POSITIVE on here!
I have 3 friends right now that have been super heavy on my heart. These are girls who long to be moms so much and are still in the waiting period (2 in the adoption process and 1 trying to conceive). Well tonight I found out that 1 of them has been officially picked by a birth mom and her sweet baby is due in the fall. I am SO beyond excited for her and can now officially pray for her, that sweet baby, and of course that birthmom as she goes through the next few months and years! Please keep her in your prayers! The next few months are a whirlwind of emotions all leading up to that day when the phone rings saying that baby is on the way.
I would never wish not being able to be a mom and having that desire to on anyone. It is the worst feeling. Its a feeling of complete despair and a feeling that your body has failed as a women. Thankfully for some women they go on to conceive. For others they chose to become a mom through adoption. And then there are a few girls I know that are at a crossroads of being forced into a place where they may continue on life without becoming a mom. Whatever road each of us are on its a road that none of us really chose.
Tonight despite feeling completely down about everything going on in my own life and feeling like everything is falling around me there are 2 things I am especially thankful for and reminded of as I hear this good news from my friend and that is Stewart and His birth mom. What an amazing gift she gave to me! Seeing his sweet smile just makes the world brighter!
6.30.2011
6.29.2011
Blah Update
Ive spent the last 2 days trying to be as checked out of life as possible and spending as much time as I can with my little man and my mom.
Monday mom went in bright and early for a muga scan. They injected her with (?) and then did a scan of her heart. I dont know the exact specifics of it but she did score lower than the doctor was expecting. She would have been disqualified from the clinic trial if it was still going on but then actually ended it on friday. She needed to score above 50 and was in the 40s. Her O2 was running 93/94ish and she would be more towards 100 so this concerns me a little. She has been more tired lately and more out of breath easily and this is so hard to see happen because it just automatically takes me back 1 1/2 years ago when she was on her death bed. UGH. The doctor decided not to do IV chemo. He is going to try her on a different clinical trial that is going on at the University of MN. Its an 8 week trial of a new drug and if they see improvement then she can stay on the drug. So right now that's all I know.
Nils didn't get the job we were waiting to hear on. He did however get a call at 3pm on Monday asking if he can come in 9am Tuesday to interview. The interview went extremely well and they ended up setting him up to talk with the VP after the initial interview. So this will save him a trip to do a 2nd interview. We are waiting to hear if he will get an offer. It sounds like a great opportunity for him and they offer flexible work hours which is great since the job is about 45mins away. I am really guarded and am trying not to get my hopes up too much at this point. I am being supportive and I hope more than anything that he finds something but I just can't take another disappointment or anymore heartache at this point. I am emotionally drained from everything going on that I just can't go down the road of thinking I may be done at the end of July.
I am taking this week off from even thinking about looking for a new daycare. I will start calling and setting up interviews next week to have a plan in place for when we get back from vacation. We also got a letter in the mail that our doctor is leaving the practice. When I say OUR i mean OUR. All 3 of us see him so I am pretty disappointed about this. Ironically his last day is the same day as our daycare's last day. UGH. Its not a major problem but its disappointing and 1 more thing to have to deal with rigtht now. My plate is full and I am done with the bad news!
Well that's about it. To say I'm feeling pretty low right now would be an understatement. Seriously Id just like to go and hide but life goes on and so I just put on my happy face and think about the happy things I have right now like a great relationship with my husband and our sweet baby boy. I know there are people out there who would love both of those things in their life right now.
Monday mom went in bright and early for a muga scan. They injected her with (?) and then did a scan of her heart. I dont know the exact specifics of it but she did score lower than the doctor was expecting. She would have been disqualified from the clinic trial if it was still going on but then actually ended it on friday. She needed to score above 50 and was in the 40s. Her O2 was running 93/94ish and she would be more towards 100 so this concerns me a little. She has been more tired lately and more out of breath easily and this is so hard to see happen because it just automatically takes me back 1 1/2 years ago when she was on her death bed. UGH. The doctor decided not to do IV chemo. He is going to try her on a different clinical trial that is going on at the University of MN. Its an 8 week trial of a new drug and if they see improvement then she can stay on the drug. So right now that's all I know.
Nils didn't get the job we were waiting to hear on. He did however get a call at 3pm on Monday asking if he can come in 9am Tuesday to interview. The interview went extremely well and they ended up setting him up to talk with the VP after the initial interview. So this will save him a trip to do a 2nd interview. We are waiting to hear if he will get an offer. It sounds like a great opportunity for him and they offer flexible work hours which is great since the job is about 45mins away. I am really guarded and am trying not to get my hopes up too much at this point. I am being supportive and I hope more than anything that he finds something but I just can't take another disappointment or anymore heartache at this point. I am emotionally drained from everything going on that I just can't go down the road of thinking I may be done at the end of July.
I am taking this week off from even thinking about looking for a new daycare. I will start calling and setting up interviews next week to have a plan in place for when we get back from vacation. We also got a letter in the mail that our doctor is leaving the practice. When I say OUR i mean OUR. All 3 of us see him so I am pretty disappointed about this. Ironically his last day is the same day as our daycare's last day. UGH. Its not a major problem but its disappointing and 1 more thing to have to deal with rigtht now. My plate is full and I am done with the bad news!
Well that's about it. To say I'm feeling pretty low right now would be an understatement. Seriously Id just like to go and hide but life goes on and so I just put on my happy face and think about the happy things I have right now like a great relationship with my husband and our sweet baby boy. I know there are people out there who would love both of those things in their life right now.
6.24.2011
Too much for 1 day....
Today was a day I could have done without. Today was the day I was supposed to officially get to turn in my notice to become a stay at home mom. Today was supposed to be a happy, wonderful day. Or so I thought. Today had other plans. We still don't know if Nils will get this job or if he will get a new job soon. We have until August 17th to figure out what is next for us.
Today my mom had an oncology. She has been on an oral chemo drug (she takes like 7 pills a day when she is "on"). Well this appointment turned out to be a very bad appointment. Her cancer is spreading again and there is a huge mass again on her liver and on her lungs. She will be going back on IV chemo asap. She has to have a scan tomorrow and another one on Monday and then Monday afternoon she will get the official plan. This is devastating. I know that miracles happen and that so many have happened in her and can happen again but I am having a really hard time with this. I need to quit working. I need to be available to take her to appointments and chemo. This NEEDS to be in the plan for our future and when I say future I mean in the next month. UGH. To say I am overwhelmed would be an understatement. I want to be able to stay home and take care of my son and my mom but this seems more like a need now than a want.
Please pray for my mom! Please pray that she will again have a miracle done in her! Please pray for Nils's job! He NEEDS this job. He was supposed to hear today but they postponed it till Monday so they could think it over. Please pray for both Nils and I. These last few months have really tested our faith. We know that God has a plan but right now we see some major changes about to happen and we are trying so hard to believe that it will all be fine. Its a lesson we just seem to have to keep learning over and over again and the harder life gets the MORE faith we need to have.
Thanks for everyone that has been there for us through all of this in the past! Somehow it will work out and everything will be fine right?
Today my mom had an oncology. She has been on an oral chemo drug (she takes like 7 pills a day when she is "on"). Well this appointment turned out to be a very bad appointment. Her cancer is spreading again and there is a huge mass again on her liver and on her lungs. She will be going back on IV chemo asap. She has to have a scan tomorrow and another one on Monday and then Monday afternoon she will get the official plan. This is devastating. I know that miracles happen and that so many have happened in her and can happen again but I am having a really hard time with this. I need to quit working. I need to be available to take her to appointments and chemo. This NEEDS to be in the plan for our future and when I say future I mean in the next month. UGH. To say I am overwhelmed would be an understatement. I want to be able to stay home and take care of my son and my mom but this seems more like a need now than a want.
Please pray for my mom! Please pray that she will again have a miracle done in her! Please pray for Nils's job! He NEEDS this job. He was supposed to hear today but they postponed it till Monday so they could think it over. Please pray for both Nils and I. These last few months have really tested our faith. We know that God has a plan but right now we see some major changes about to happen and we are trying so hard to believe that it will all be fine. Its a lesson we just seem to have to keep learning over and over again and the harder life gets the MORE faith we need to have.
Thanks for everyone that has been there for us through all of this in the past! Somehow it will work out and everything will be fine right?
6.23.2011
6.22.2011
Anxiety
Anxiety has been something that I have struggled with in the past. It is something that isn't constant but when it shows up it shows up in a BIG way. Recently we have been going through some pretty big transitions in life. Nils is looking for new opportunities so that I can stay home (yes his current place knows this). Also our sweet daycare lady who I also consider a friend is closing her home daycare to teach 3rd grade. I am so excited for her because I know this has been on her heart for the last year or longer but she was such an easy decision for us. We knew that if she had an opening when our time came to become parents that we would send our child to her. She has been awesome and if I'm not the one taking care of him (or family) then Id want it to be her. I know most people aren't lucky enough to know their daycare provider ahead of time but we were. Well now is where the anxiety comes in. How can I leave him with a total stranger? How can I go to work everyday when I want to be the one staying home with him and drop him off at a place Ive maybe visited once. We have until August 22nd to come up with a plan. This is a plan I don't even want to think about or do anything with. I just want to trust and believe that he will find a job before then and that this was all apart of the perfect plan and timing but honestly I just don't. So I begin the search for someone and continue to dream of the day when I can get my dream job and I get to stay home for good. I get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes just thinking about this search. UGH. Pray he gets a job by August so that we can both be in our dream jobs!
6.08.2011
These are the things we have been up to....
The last few weeks have been full and crazy!
-My grandfather had open heart surgery. The surgery was long and he had it down at Mayo so we were an hour away from him. Thankfully I got to take 2 days off to stay down there and then we all went back a forth to see him after that. He had the surgery on Monday the 23rd and by Friday he was home. He did amazing and still is doing great. He has hard days and it will be a long recovery but he really has come a long way! Nils was awesome through it all and took care of Stewart for 2 days straight! Im thankful that he is such a good daddy! I didn't worry at all and I know they boys both missed me!
-Memorial day weekend we had our family photos taken which you can see some of from my last post. It was a blast! We spent some time with my family, saw my inlaws, and just had a pretty low key weekend. It was nice! We also went to visit Ft Snelling where Nils's grandma is burried. It was the first time that we had been there since she died. It was a sweet moment for the 3 of us as we showed Stewart it and remembered her.
-Last weekend we met up with my sweet friend Allie at the outlet mall. She lives almost 3 hours away and now has 2 babies of her own so we don't get to see eachother very often but when we do we meet up at Dennys and they go to the outlet. It was a great day and my mom came along too. Then Sunday after church we went to my friend's 2 year old twin boys birthday party! It was a lot of fun to get outside and also chat with people we don't know too well or see very often. Nils took some pics for them at the party and he did such a great job! He has really gotten into photographer and has been doing great at it! I rarely use the camera but when I do I set it to AUTO! :)
-Speaking of my mom she broke her wrist. Thankfully she doesn't need surgery but since she is a nurse (and she did it at work) we aren't sure if she'll be able to work while she is off work.
Thats about it other than the usual every day routine which is crazy enough!
Now here's some sweet pics for your to enjoy!
-My grandfather had open heart surgery. The surgery was long and he had it down at Mayo so we were an hour away from him. Thankfully I got to take 2 days off to stay down there and then we all went back a forth to see him after that. He had the surgery on Monday the 23rd and by Friday he was home. He did amazing and still is doing great. He has hard days and it will be a long recovery but he really has come a long way! Nils was awesome through it all and took care of Stewart for 2 days straight! Im thankful that he is such a good daddy! I didn't worry at all and I know they boys both missed me!
-Memorial day weekend we had our family photos taken which you can see some of from my last post. It was a blast! We spent some time with my family, saw my inlaws, and just had a pretty low key weekend. It was nice! We also went to visit Ft Snelling where Nils's grandma is burried. It was the first time that we had been there since she died. It was a sweet moment for the 3 of us as we showed Stewart it and remembered her.
-Last weekend we met up with my sweet friend Allie at the outlet mall. She lives almost 3 hours away and now has 2 babies of her own so we don't get to see eachother very often but when we do we meet up at Dennys and they go to the outlet. It was a great day and my mom came along too. Then Sunday after church we went to my friend's 2 year old twin boys birthday party! It was a lot of fun to get outside and also chat with people we don't know too well or see very often. Nils took some pics for them at the party and he did such a great job! He has really gotten into photographer and has been doing great at it! I rarely use the camera but when I do I set it to AUTO! :)
-Speaking of my mom she broke her wrist. Thankfully she doesn't need surgery but since she is a nurse (and she did it at work) we aren't sure if she'll be able to work while she is off work.
Thats about it other than the usual every day routine which is crazy enough!
Now here's some sweet pics for your to enjoy!
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| My sweet boys! |
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| This car is SO funny! |
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| Riding in the back is way more than the front! |
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| Thinking about getting in and driving |
6.07.2011
Im pretty sure we skipped most of May!?
Not really sure where the last month or even year for that fact went! Life has been crazy busy here but I'll have an update soon! Just wanted to let you know life is good and we are all great! :)
While you wait check out our AMAZING family photo preview. My heart melts everytime I see the sweet pic of my husband and my sweet little man! LOVE them! http://www.minneapolisphotographer.com/
While you wait check out our AMAZING family photo preview. My heart melts everytime I see the sweet pic of my husband and my sweet little man! LOVE them! http://www.minneapolisphotographer.com/
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