1 month

Today marks one month since my sweet mommy passed away. I can hardly believe its been a month already. I feel like I have gotten no where in the last month. I feel like the grieving hasn't even started yet and I am just numb. I'm wondering when that will actually happen. Im wondering when I will dig out of this rut and begin to "move on". I wish so much that she was still here. I sometimes wonder if we made the right decision and if we should have kept her on machines just to selfishly keep her here longer. Christmas is this week and it was by far her favorite holiday. She went all out every year and we would spend all year shopping for just the right things. She loved to shop and so did I. She loved to decorate the tree and so do I except this year I just couldn't do it. This year I have spent the last few weeks wishing we could just skip over the holidays. I know I need to get excited about it and I know I need to get in a better place because this is Stewart's 2nd Christmas. I need to enjoy for and with him.
I guess this post is going no where but I guess that's where I am.
Id like to go back to last year...I'd like to go back to this moment.

Im going to New York!! :)

I have been so dreading Christmas time this year for good reason and I really needed something to look forward to that will help get me through the next month. I wanted so much to just get away for Christmas but its just not going to be possible, so the next best thing? Book a trip to New York City with one of my best friends! :) I went there when I was in 8th grade but I was there a whole 2 days and it was a very scheduled trip and lets face it I was like 14 so there's only so much fun you can have. My friend and I have always said it would be so fun to go there together so I called her up a few nights ago and said let's go. She of course was just as excited as I was! Its a little hard to get away now that we are both mommies and we both stay home but thanks to family and our husbands we are having a Mommy weekend away for 5 whole days! YAY!

Where to even start....

This blog has been pretty slow lately because something major just happened in my life. My mother died. I lost my hero, my biggest cheerleader, my biggest supporter, and the best mother anyone could ever have on November 18th at 5:44pm. It was 4 days shy of her 61st birthday. She was more than just my mom. She was an amazing women who was very soft spoken but would do anything for you. I lost the women who made all my dreams come true when all else failed around me.
Did she die from the cancer? Well sort of. In August my mother started a new round of chemo. She had chemo 1 day then was off 3 weeks and did another dose. Thats it. After that all hell broke loose. She began to get short of breath and little by little that drug killed her. It caused fluid to back up in/on her lungs and when they got that cleared up after the 1st of her 3 hospital stays since September it slowly began to grow scar tissue on her lungs. Her scan in August was completely clear of the scar tissue (pulmonary fibrosis). Her scan during her 2nd hospital stay in October showed some scaring but nothing that they were concerned of. By November it had completely covered her right lung and began to grow on the left. Her final days were on 30 liters on oxygen which they had to bring in a special machine to do. Her last couple of days were hell on earth for both her and my family. There is no better way to explain it. She didn't know who we were and she was basically suffocating. It was horrible to watch and my grandparents, brother, his fiancee, my cousin, and I were all by her bedside as she took her last breath.
To say I am a wreck would be an understatement. I have no idea how to live life without my mom. I have no idea how to go on. I am completely numb and I have no idea when I will actually get that she is gone. I wish I had this magic button that would make everything better. I wish she were still here more than anything else. We had plans. She would move in with us someday and she would spend her retirement years with me and Stewart having fun all over town. Unfortunately that won't happen now.
I guess that's all I can say at this point.
This sucks!