I thought I would share our Christmas letter from 2009. It pretty much sums up our journey till now for those of you who may not know the whole story.
12/2009
Dear Family and Friends,
We have some exciting news that we are ready to share with you all. Nils and I have decided to start the adoption process. It is something that we are both very excited about. I wanted to share with you my heart and how this all came to be.
As all of you know we have been trying for almost 4 years now to have a child. Through that time we have gone through 9 IUIs, 1380 prenatal vitamins, about 50 injections of various fertility medications, 7 rounds of clomid (80 pills), and other various medications and not to mention the dozens of ultrasounds, doctor apts, and blood work. We have had 2 miscarriages (one at 11w 2d and one at 5 weeks) and those are the only 2 pregnancies that were achieved in this process. We then tried to do 1 more round of unmonitored fertility medication and that didn't work out. Over that month I really felt at my absolute lowest that I have been through this whole process. I had so many negative thoughts going on in my head that consisted of "I am not meant to be a mom", "Everyone gets to have their babies and I just get to lose mine" and so on. At that time I had also learned of the 11th person who is due next year of my friends and really I was ready to just give up and begin life without children. These thoughts I came to realize were directly from Satan and he was just trying to beat me down and become victorious in our infertility struggle.
On November 1st I pretty much tried to come up with every reason in the world why to not go to church. Of course I ended up going and that will be the day that forever changed my life. The sermon series is called "I am not a grasshopper". Basically it was then and there, while praying with a dear friend, that I realized where these thoughts were coming from and that I needed to be done then and there with all of it and needed to give up. I needed to give up all of this struggle because really the fight to be pregnant was the wrong fight to have. My desires aren't just to be pregnant but they are to be a MOM and ultimately that doesn't require me to be pregnant. A pregnancy isn't the only definition of becoming a mom. Right then my heart changed and the desire for pregnancy was completely gone. I want to be a mom. There will be a child out there who needs a mom and I am ready to be that for them. I have spent so much time being bitter and angry when people get pregnant without trying and now my heart has began to pray for that woman who is pregnant without trying and without wanting to be. I am praying that she chooses life for her child and that she chooses me to be the woman to raise her baby.
That Sunday night I went home and began to talk to Nils. To my surprise, he was not against it. It took him a few weeks to digest everything that was about to happen but he is now just as excited as I am to start down this new journey into parenthood. My favorite quote of this conversation was, "We sort of adopted Sadie (our dog) and look how much we love her." And we can both only begin to imagine how much more we will love this little one.
All along we have said that we would do IVF before adopting but in my heart I never wanted adoption to be our last resort. I wanted it to be something we were called to do. We ended up not pursuing IVF and I know in my heart that had we gone that route, we would have maybe gotten pregnant but that is not the direction we are being led. We are being taken down a path that is so awesome and exactly what the Lord had planned for us. Had we not gone through the last 4 years of infertility and pregnancy loss we would have never gotten to this point. Had the Lord said 4 years ago that we were to adopt, I am not sure we would have listened. The Lord had to take me down that path so that I could ultimately see his plan unfold. This plan was not easy, but it is a road that had to be traveled. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to be pregnant even if it was only for a time. I got the opportunity to share with my family both the good and the bad of that.
Leading up until this point I have had many different people come to me in different ways that confirmed our decision to adopt. Most recently we have been invited to join an adoption small group at our church. We are very excited to be in this group and to be around others who are adopting children. We are excited about the friendships that will grow from this group and the support we have already gotten. We have selected an agency here in Minnesota that we will be working with. We know 3 families that have gone through this agency and have only heard good things about them. We will be in the domestic (The baby will be born somewhere in the U.S.A) infant adoption program which means that we will be selected by a birthmom from our profile and will then be notified when the child is born and then when the mother has signed her birth rights away. We will wait until this happens because we do not want to go somewhere prematurely and then the mom decide to not pursue adoption after the baby is born. (Plans worked out more amazing that I could have ever known when I wrote this letter)
I am excited to share this time with you all and we ask for your prayers as we start this process. I am asking that you pray for the finances to somehow be provided, for the home studies that we will have done, for the profile that we will create and be chosen from, and ultimately for the birthmother who will choose us to raise her child. Pray for the health of our child and for the future God has given us to finally be a forever family; to finally not just be husband and wife but also mom and dad.
Thanks in advance for your prayers, love and support! We can't wait to introduce you all to our little one!
Nils & April
This letter still brings me to tears for both the heartache I went through but also for this little man who has filled that emptiness in my heart and who with 1 single smile can make my entire day perfect! :)
