Watching the clock

Im sitting at my desk at work for the last time. Its 10:45am and in 15mins I'll leave for my last lunch break. Soon there will be no more lunch breaks. Once I come back to work I will have 3 hours left. I really don't think it has fully hit me yet what is about to happen. I just feel like its a normal Friday and in 2 days I'll be right back here. I think Monday morning it will officially hit me.

My mom...

My mom's cancer is spreading again. I feel like this is a running script. Seriously how many more times will I write this in the coming year? I hate cancer! I have that she feels miserable while she is on chemo. I hate that she has grown out her hair, gets it highlight, and finally loves her style again. I hate that she will miss work and lose money because of this. I hate that she has no spouse who can be there for her and take care of her. I hate that she has very few friends up here because we have moved around so much in the last 8 years. I hate everything about the next few months because it means she will get sicker and feel like crap all the time.

I am so thankful that she has had the last 19 months to enjoy life again. I am thankful that she made it through the last go around and that she is able to finally be a grandma! Most of all right now I am thankful that I will be a stay at home mom and that I will be able to help take care of her and take her to chemo. I will no longer be faced with the guilt of working and not being able to help my grandparents take care of her. My last official day of work is tomorrow and her first round of chemo is Monday. Coincidence? I don't think so!

Tomorrows it!

Tomorrow is the day I have spent the last year dreaming of. It is almost a year to the date that I went back to work after the little guy arrived. I have spent the last year wish and hoping that one day Id get to stay home. Im not even sure that this really feels that real yet. I mean am I really going to stay home? After working the last 12 years of my life almost full time I can hardly believe its coming to an end. Well sort of. This time my new job will not be one that makes any money but instead means cutting down on all excess spending and cutting coupons. We have spent the last 7 years of our marrried life spending our money pretty much how we wanted and did whatever we wanted. Im actually ready for this change. Im ready to not eat out so much and ready to have my laundry done during the day instead of at night after I am exhausted from work. Im ready to be the constant person in my son's life while he's young and teach him things. Im ready to take him to the Zoo during the day instead of on the weekends when EVERYONE is there. Im ready to have playdates with friends and make new mommy friends. Im ready for this new change and excited but Im also a little terrified to be honest. At least I'll get eased into this! We head to FL soon for vacation! :)

I quit....

Yep that's right. I quit my job. As of July 29th at 4pm I will no longer be a working mom. I could not be more thrilled and more scared of this. I have always worked. The week before I turned 16 I applied for a job and have worked ever since. I have always had income. I know that everything is going to be just fine and we will figure it out as we go! Time to save money and cut unnecessary spending. No more shopping sprees. A lot less eating out. But in the end is is worth it? YES! Because every morning I get to wake up with my little man and not have him scream and cry as I leave the house for work. Everyday we get to learn new things and enjoy these moments when he is so little! Hopefully I'll be able to blog a little more as this is a HUGE way of remembering things because everything is typed up and kept record of.

Next up for us: Vacation, doctor appointments, and learning to be a stay a home mom (I'm pretty sure there will be some learning to this...) :)

Breaking through...

As you can tell the last few weeks I've been in a pretty dark, lonely place. One that I can't even begin to explain and one that has left me feeling completely hopeless. I have so much on my plate right now that I just can't juggle another thing on there or I am sure to drop it all. Between this work stuff for Nils, the daycare closing, vacation coming up, my mom's cancer crap, trying to lose weight (which is a battle I am for sure losing right now), and infertility rearing its ugly head on me and making me feel completely broken I have just feel complete defeat.
The job thing seems to be looking good but we are still left waiting with the clock ticking down until our vacation. I have until next Wednesday at the latest to put my notice in otherwise I will have to be back to work the week after vacation and that is when the daycare closes which means I need to find some complete stranger to watch stewart.
Vacation coming up is a great thing but stressful in that we have so much unknown leading into it and after it. I would love to say that I can't worry about it but I just am.
My mom still has not heard from her doctor yet if she got into the trial at the U and if she can't we have no idea what Plan b is. She's made several calls into the office and they are still waiting or not getting back to her which is really hard. She just wants to know what is next. Something needs to happen soon because I can see her getting more tired when we are out and about and that scares me big time.
I have been trying to lose weight since January. I have HUGE plans of losing tons before we go on vacation but that just really hasn't happened. I have lost about 15lbs. Its not at all where I wanted to be and at 1 point was at 20 but just keep creeping back up again. I am going to the doctor on Thursday and hoping she has some insight. Part of all this difficulty could be my PCOS.
Speaking of PCOS. UGH. I hate it. I hate that it has screwed my body up so much. I hate that it makes me feel like less of a women because I can't get pregnant, I can't have normal cycles, I can't stay pregnant, etc. Don't get me wrong at all. I am SO in love with my little man that part of me is just so thankful I am finally a mom but the other part of me wishes so much that I could just get pregnant. That I could give him a sibling. Yes I know we can adopt again and who knows that may be the plan someday but it still burns to see pregnant people everywhere especially the ones who have multiple kids. Stewart is 14 months today. Its normal for people to start thinking about #2 and most don't have to think too hard about it; it just happens. For me I think about it and wonder if it will ever happen. Ugh. Hopefully this will be another thing the doctor can shed some light on for me on Thursday.
I am trying so hard to BREAK through this mess and take each thing one at a time but in reality I just can't focus on 1 item at a time. All of them are not small things. So for now I just keep praying, dreaming, hoping that all of this mess will be a thing of the past in no time and we can move past this and look back and see the whole plan unfolded.
One final note. I was in my car yesterday and my ipod was on random. This song came on. It is an older song but one of the most powerful Christian songs I have heard in a long time! It pretty much sums up this moment that I am in right now! Its by FFH.

I can't find the words to pray, I'm a little down today
Can You help me, Can You hold me?
I feel a million miles away, And I don't know what to say
Can You hear me anyway?

What I need is for You to reach out Your hand
You have taught me no matter what You'd understand

CHORUS:

Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.

END CHORUS

I've looked every where to find a simple peace of mind
But, I can't find nothing on my own
So I gotta leave myself behind, take up this cross of mine
Give away everything I hold onto

Lord I know the only way is through this
But Lord, I know I need You to help me do this

CHORUS

Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.

Out of this place of complacency
To a place of fellowship with Thee
'Cause I am weak, but Lord, You are so strong
And You know it's been way too long
It's been way too long

Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move)...,
CHORUS

Mommy night out!!

Tonight is mommy night out. I am super excited! Once in a while I go out with a couple (or just 1) of my friends and we shop, eat, and have a great time! Its such a refreshing night and makes the longest of weeks end on the best note!! Its a night that EVERY mommy (or wife) needs to take once in a while to hang out with friends, share about life, get encouraged, laugh and just have a night where there is nothing you have to do. COME on 4pm!!!

Water Fun

We filled Stewart's pool with water out of the hose. Yes BIG mistake to take pitchers are "warm" water and fill it up the first time he uses it and then use the freezing cold hose water the 2nd time. He screamed and cried when I put him in the pool. No surprise since it was so cold. Needless to say he didnt actually swim in the pool but did like splashing around in the sprinkler end of it. I think after a week at the beach he will realize how fun it is to swim in a pool!

No new job news yet..

No news on the job front yet. We have about 1 1/2 months till the daycare closes and about a month till vacation. I guess I should get on calling daycares. Ugh!