1 month

Today marks one month since my sweet mommy passed away. I can hardly believe its been a month already. I feel like I have gotten no where in the last month. I feel like the grieving hasn't even started yet and I am just numb. I'm wondering when that will actually happen. Im wondering when I will dig out of this rut and begin to "move on". I wish so much that she was still here. I sometimes wonder if we made the right decision and if we should have kept her on machines just to selfishly keep her here longer. Christmas is this week and it was by far her favorite holiday. She went all out every year and we would spend all year shopping for just the right things. She loved to shop and so did I. She loved to decorate the tree and so do I except this year I just couldn't do it. This year I have spent the last few weeks wishing we could just skip over the holidays. I know I need to get excited about it and I know I need to get in a better place because this is Stewart's 2nd Christmas. I need to enjoy for and with him.
I guess this post is going no where but I guess that's where I am.
Id like to go back to last year...I'd like to go back to this moment.

Im going to New York!! :)

I have been so dreading Christmas time this year for good reason and I really needed something to look forward to that will help get me through the next month. I wanted so much to just get away for Christmas but its just not going to be possible, so the next best thing? Book a trip to New York City with one of my best friends! :) I went there when I was in 8th grade but I was there a whole 2 days and it was a very scheduled trip and lets face it I was like 14 so there's only so much fun you can have. My friend and I have always said it would be so fun to go there together so I called her up a few nights ago and said let's go. She of course was just as excited as I was! Its a little hard to get away now that we are both mommies and we both stay home but thanks to family and our husbands we are having a Mommy weekend away for 5 whole days! YAY!

Where to even start....

This blog has been pretty slow lately because something major just happened in my life. My mother died. I lost my hero, my biggest cheerleader, my biggest supporter, and the best mother anyone could ever have on November 18th at 5:44pm. It was 4 days shy of her 61st birthday. She was more than just my mom. She was an amazing women who was very soft spoken but would do anything for you. I lost the women who made all my dreams come true when all else failed around me.
Did she die from the cancer? Well sort of. In August my mother started a new round of chemo. She had chemo 1 day then was off 3 weeks and did another dose. Thats it. After that all hell broke loose. She began to get short of breath and little by little that drug killed her. It caused fluid to back up in/on her lungs and when they got that cleared up after the 1st of her 3 hospital stays since September it slowly began to grow scar tissue on her lungs. Her scan in August was completely clear of the scar tissue (pulmonary fibrosis). Her scan during her 2nd hospital stay in October showed some scaring but nothing that they were concerned of. By November it had completely covered her right lung and began to grow on the left. Her final days were on 30 liters on oxygen which they had to bring in a special machine to do. Her last couple of days were hell on earth for both her and my family. There is no better way to explain it. She didn't know who we were and she was basically suffocating. It was horrible to watch and my grandparents, brother, his fiancee, my cousin, and I were all by her bedside as she took her last breath.
To say I am a wreck would be an understatement. I have no idea how to live life without my mom. I have no idea how to go on. I am completely numb and I have no idea when I will actually get that she is gone. I wish I had this magic button that would make everything better. I wish she were still here more than anything else. We had plans. She would move in with us someday and she would spend her retirement years with me and Stewart having fun all over town. Unfortunately that won't happen now.
I guess that's all I can say at this point.
This sucks!

Giveaway

Ok I guess I didn't explain it very well so I edited my post but thought Id explain better. Its $20 off. They used coupon codes instead of gift certificates since its done online. You just need to have $20 in your cart and it will take that amount off. So basically you'd just pay shipping. :)

Ever Blessed, Ever Grateful Review and GIVEAWAY!!

November is a month of giving thanks. There are so many things that I am thankful for in life but this year there are two BIG things that I am thankful for. The first is that my mom is here. She has been through so much up and down in the last month that I really began to wonder if she would even be here for the holidays. She is an amazing mom, grandmother, and friend and I would be completely lost without her. The other big thing I am thankful for this year is for the opportunity to stay home with my little man. I worked about a year after coming back from my leave and there was not a day that went by that I didn't hope and dream that someday I would get to stay home. I know that trusting the Lord in His perfect timing is something that I may always struggle with but His timing was exactly perfect for me to stay home. Between our daycare closing and my mom's bad health, this was the exact time that I needed to quit working and begin taking care of my little man and also my mom. I am so thankful that my husband was able to find a new job and that we are able to make ends meet without my income! 2011 has been such an amazing year and I can't wait to see all of the amazing things that I will be thankful for next year too!

A friend of mine recently did a review on her blog and as I looked further into it I registered my info and hoped to get an item to review too!

Well a week later a box showed up at our door and this beauty was inside:

What girl who likes to cook and LOVES to bake wouldn't want an adorable apron to do it in? This apron is a great size, tie neck strap and has a huge tie in the back. Some of the cute aprons I have seen out there have a small tie in the back and are not really a one size fits all like this one. It has a couple of cute pockets in the front and 2 ruffles at the bottom. My favorite part of it is the saying on it: ever blessed, ever grateful. It's perfect for the holidays coming up and all the cooking I will be doing but it will also be something that will last me a long time!


Now comes the best part of all of this! YOU have the opportunity to win a $20 coupon code to www.dayspring.com!(the code does not include shipping and you must have $20 or more in your cart and it will take $20 off. So if you only spend 20 then all you pay is shipping :) ). All you need to do is check out their website and leave a comment below with what you would use your coupon for from dayspring. If you follow my blog, post a 2nd comment stating that you are now or have been following me. If your profile page does not show your email address, please include your email address in your comment. I will use random.org to select a winner and will then notify you via email and on my blog. (Contest will remain open through November 13. Winner will be announced November 14.) With the holidays coming up this would be great to use for a gift or to buy yourself something great (Hint: ADORABLE apron). Can't wait to see who wins! Good LUCK!


Check out http://www.incourage.me/category/deals for upcoming deals and your chance to be apart of their reviews!


Also check out DaySpring's website for some great gift ideas.


P.S.  DaySpring gave me this product free to review, and all opinions stated in this blog are true and are my own.

Review and Giveaway coming tomorrow!!

I got the opportunity to review something from www.Dayspring.com and to do a giveaway! Stay tuned tomorrow for all the details!! :)

Halloween Cuteness Overload!

Ah Halloween. How you were once a holiday that I dreaded! Little kids dressed up in adorable costumes, walking around with their excited parents equals disaster for an infertile. Its a day where most of us would be the scrooge of the neighborhood and turns our lights off and hid inside because we couldn't bear to see the tiny people dressed up adorably!

Last year we were on the beach in Florida for Halloween. This year was different. This year was the first year we took our little guy out to a few houses and as all parents say "he was the cutest kid I have ever seen".  After my little guy went to bed I sat back and reflected on these last 17 months. They have been filled with so much happiness and replaced so much grief and sorrow in my life. They have given me a new purpose. Yes I am still infertile and yes I am still continuing to struggle with wanting more children and wondering how and when that will ever happen but right now my purpose in life is to mommy to an adorable, full of life, little man and I am enjoying this season so much right now! I also reflected on how thankful I am that my husband has given me the chance to stay home full time. He works longer days and commutes further away so that I am able to be with our little man and I don't think I'll ever be able to thank him enough for giving me this!

Well anyways that was a whole lot of random thoughts mixed into one but here's what you really want to see:

Halloween 2010 (5 months)

Halloween 2011 (17 months)

Milestones

I often wonder if Stewart is reaching all of the milestones that he should be at his age. Today I stumbled upon an article about 18-24 month milestones. He is 17 months right now but I just wanted to know what he should know in the next 6 months. Well turns out he's doing just fine. ( 18-24 month milestones) He does the majority of these milestones already and today just reached another one. We were reading a book and he was able to point out both the ball and the car in the book. I'm not one to brag about my kid but I'm just glad to know he's doing what he should be at his age.

Repurpose

Last night I was on etsy looking for a shelf to hang my jewelry on. I found an adorable one and almost got it until I realized that there is a pretty useless towel rack in the bathroom that I could use. Here's how it turned out:

Before:

After:

I love the way it turned out and that everything has a place now. Might need to head back to charming Charlie at west end for something other than black necklaces. :)

Feeling productive?

Ever since I started staying home I have fallen into the rut of not feeling productive. I spend my days cooking, cleaning, playing, going to the zoo, and usually during nap time sitting and watching tv. I have decided that I need something to fill that time when Im not cleaning or cooking. I have wanted to learn to sew for a long time but usually give up pretty quickly. I have a sewing machine that is sitting at my moms unused. Its just collecting dust. So Ive decided its time to get it out. I used her machine last week and made a pillow case out of a fitted sheet from Stewart's bedding because crib bedding doesn't come with one and the toddler set only adds a pillowcase instead of the bumper. It turned out ok as long as you don't look too close at it. It was straight lines and pretty simple. I've been browsing pinterest and there are some great ideas out there on simple things to teach myself sewing. I am excited about it. Its not something that I'll probably make money off of but just a hobby. While I LOVE my new job staying home and LOVE the little man I work for; I just need some me time. I need a hobby!

Anniversary Weekend

We just celebrated our 7th Anniversary. This past year was pretty amazing and we made some pretty big steps in our goals!
Friday Nils took the day off and we went grocery shopping and cleaned the house. Then we had our neighbors over and had a blast with them! They go to our church which we had no clue until about a year after they moved in. They are engaged and will be getting married in 2013. It was fun getting to know them better and know we'll hang out more soon.
We had a pretty fun day minus a few meltdowns on Saturday. We decided to drive to New Ulm to go tour the Schells Brewery. It was beautiful there. We bought a new carrier on the way there to try out with Stewart. I had this vision that he would ride along on the whole tour and love being close to me on my back. Well he lasted 30 minutes in it and once the tour started he wanted out. So I missed the whole tour but Nils enjoyed it. I think the little man is getting his last tooth b4 his 2 year molars. He was crying a lot this weekend and missing naps and so on. We decided that if we go there again we will leave him home and do that trip alone.
Today I didn't leave the house. I wasn't feeling great and really think I just needed a day of nothing.
I am so blessed to have an amazing husband who provides for our family! He works hard so that I am able to now stay home with Stewart and I know I am so lucky to be able to do that. He is an amazing father and I can't wait to see what this next year holds for us!

Here's a picture of me and the little man when he was enjoying his ride...

Oh yeah I have a blog....

Im a good reader of blogs but not so much a good blogger. I have good reason for this. Over the last 3 weeks my mom has been in the hospital twice. She was readmitted on Friday night after being home a week. Her first stay was 10 days. It looks like this stay could be close to that as well. I took her to the hospital both times because she was having trouble breathing. The first time her resting heart rate was 129 and her blood pressure was elevated. This most recent time she was sent home on oxygen and the machine she has can "only" go to 5 liters and her body was not able to take that little. I got to her house this past friday night and her oxygen levels were in the 60s. I knew right then and there that we were heading back to the hospital. She was of course admitted right away. She is 15 liters of oxygen right now and that is what she was one while she was in last time as well. It will take some time to wean her back down off of it and it will also take sometime for them to try and fix what is going on. What exactly is going on is that she is having an allergic reaction to the chemo drug she is on. Basically it is backing up fluid on her lungs and causing her to not be able to breath on her own. Even getting to the bedside commode is a major task and she gets winded. I spent 1/2 of the last stay with her and her friend stayed the other half. Thanks to family and friends Nils and Stewart were talking good care of. This time Ive stayed 2 nights and am home tonight. I will probably be going back tomorrow night. My uncle is with her tonight. I am overwhelmed with all that is going on. She faced this same issue almost 2 years ago. At the time we were in the home study process for our adoption and actually did our first home study in her hospital room in case she didn't make it she was at least part of our process. It was easier to stay with her then when I wasn't a mother and could just focus on her. This time I struggle so much with guilt because I am a mom and need to be there for my son but I also need to be there for my mom. Please keep her in your prayers. She needs to get through this big hurdle and she needs to learn how to take it easy for a while even when she goes home. She doesn't like to sit still and just rest at home.
Id like to say I will try better at keeping this blog up to date but really life is so crazy right now that I can only hope to sit down like this again soon!
On a happy note I'll leave you with some pictures of my adorable son. Seriously he melts my heart! I am so thankful for facetime because we were able to video chat a few times and I was able to teach him how to blow a kiss over the computer!

These were taken on our most recent trip to the zoo with his 2 best buddies.

Leaves

See Mama!!

I really want to climb!

YAY slide!

Bigger slide

Very important conversation!

Come closer so mama doesn't hear our plan to escape!

Over a month?

Ok you'd think with all my "free time" now that I stay home Id actually have time to update the blog. Well I'm not even sure where the last month went. It has been filled with trips to the zoo, snack time, nap time, doctor visits for my mom, cleaning, and a little yo gabba gabba in the mix. This transition to staying home has been much different than I would have expected. I imagined a lot of down time but really the days just fly by and I have no idea where the time goes.
This week was Nils's 1st week at his new job. The days are much longer when he is gone but it was a good move all around. I am excited to take occasional trips downtown to visit him! I am excited for him to take the next step in his career and I am so excited to see where this takes us.

Our long weekend was so fun. We went to the state fair with his birth family, went to the zoo with the 3 of us, had dinner and went to the park with my inlaws, and had dinner tonight with my family. Stewart had his 2nd over night at my moms while we went to the fair. Overall it was a fun weekend!

Here are some recent pictures:

Watching the clock

Im sitting at my desk at work for the last time. Its 10:45am and in 15mins I'll leave for my last lunch break. Soon there will be no more lunch breaks. Once I come back to work I will have 3 hours left. I really don't think it has fully hit me yet what is about to happen. I just feel like its a normal Friday and in 2 days I'll be right back here. I think Monday morning it will officially hit me.

My mom...

My mom's cancer is spreading again. I feel like this is a running script. Seriously how many more times will I write this in the coming year? I hate cancer! I have that she feels miserable while she is on chemo. I hate that she has grown out her hair, gets it highlight, and finally loves her style again. I hate that she will miss work and lose money because of this. I hate that she has no spouse who can be there for her and take care of her. I hate that she has very few friends up here because we have moved around so much in the last 8 years. I hate everything about the next few months because it means she will get sicker and feel like crap all the time.

I am so thankful that she has had the last 19 months to enjoy life again. I am thankful that she made it through the last go around and that she is able to finally be a grandma! Most of all right now I am thankful that I will be a stay at home mom and that I will be able to help take care of her and take her to chemo. I will no longer be faced with the guilt of working and not being able to help my grandparents take care of her. My last official day of work is tomorrow and her first round of chemo is Monday. Coincidence? I don't think so!

Tomorrows it!

Tomorrow is the day I have spent the last year dreaming of. It is almost a year to the date that I went back to work after the little guy arrived. I have spent the last year wish and hoping that one day Id get to stay home. Im not even sure that this really feels that real yet. I mean am I really going to stay home? After working the last 12 years of my life almost full time I can hardly believe its coming to an end. Well sort of. This time my new job will not be one that makes any money but instead means cutting down on all excess spending and cutting coupons. We have spent the last 7 years of our marrried life spending our money pretty much how we wanted and did whatever we wanted. Im actually ready for this change. Im ready to not eat out so much and ready to have my laundry done during the day instead of at night after I am exhausted from work. Im ready to be the constant person in my son's life while he's young and teach him things. Im ready to take him to the Zoo during the day instead of on the weekends when EVERYONE is there. Im ready to have playdates with friends and make new mommy friends. Im ready for this new change and excited but Im also a little terrified to be honest. At least I'll get eased into this! We head to FL soon for vacation! :)

I quit....

Yep that's right. I quit my job. As of July 29th at 4pm I will no longer be a working mom. I could not be more thrilled and more scared of this. I have always worked. The week before I turned 16 I applied for a job and have worked ever since. I have always had income. I know that everything is going to be just fine and we will figure it out as we go! Time to save money and cut unnecessary spending. No more shopping sprees. A lot less eating out. But in the end is is worth it? YES! Because every morning I get to wake up with my little man and not have him scream and cry as I leave the house for work. Everyday we get to learn new things and enjoy these moments when he is so little! Hopefully I'll be able to blog a little more as this is a HUGE way of remembering things because everything is typed up and kept record of.

Next up for us: Vacation, doctor appointments, and learning to be a stay a home mom (I'm pretty sure there will be some learning to this...) :)

Breaking through...

As you can tell the last few weeks I've been in a pretty dark, lonely place. One that I can't even begin to explain and one that has left me feeling completely hopeless. I have so much on my plate right now that I just can't juggle another thing on there or I am sure to drop it all. Between this work stuff for Nils, the daycare closing, vacation coming up, my mom's cancer crap, trying to lose weight (which is a battle I am for sure losing right now), and infertility rearing its ugly head on me and making me feel completely broken I have just feel complete defeat.
The job thing seems to be looking good but we are still left waiting with the clock ticking down until our vacation. I have until next Wednesday at the latest to put my notice in otherwise I will have to be back to work the week after vacation and that is when the daycare closes which means I need to find some complete stranger to watch stewart.
Vacation coming up is a great thing but stressful in that we have so much unknown leading into it and after it. I would love to say that I can't worry about it but I just am.
My mom still has not heard from her doctor yet if she got into the trial at the U and if she can't we have no idea what Plan b is. She's made several calls into the office and they are still waiting or not getting back to her which is really hard. She just wants to know what is next. Something needs to happen soon because I can see her getting more tired when we are out and about and that scares me big time.
I have been trying to lose weight since January. I have HUGE plans of losing tons before we go on vacation but that just really hasn't happened. I have lost about 15lbs. Its not at all where I wanted to be and at 1 point was at 20 but just keep creeping back up again. I am going to the doctor on Thursday and hoping she has some insight. Part of all this difficulty could be my PCOS.
Speaking of PCOS. UGH. I hate it. I hate that it has screwed my body up so much. I hate that it makes me feel like less of a women because I can't get pregnant, I can't have normal cycles, I can't stay pregnant, etc. Don't get me wrong at all. I am SO in love with my little man that part of me is just so thankful I am finally a mom but the other part of me wishes so much that I could just get pregnant. That I could give him a sibling. Yes I know we can adopt again and who knows that may be the plan someday but it still burns to see pregnant people everywhere especially the ones who have multiple kids. Stewart is 14 months today. Its normal for people to start thinking about #2 and most don't have to think too hard about it; it just happens. For me I think about it and wonder if it will ever happen. Ugh. Hopefully this will be another thing the doctor can shed some light on for me on Thursday.
I am trying so hard to BREAK through this mess and take each thing one at a time but in reality I just can't focus on 1 item at a time. All of them are not small things. So for now I just keep praying, dreaming, hoping that all of this mess will be a thing of the past in no time and we can move past this and look back and see the whole plan unfolded.
One final note. I was in my car yesterday and my ipod was on random. This song came on. It is an older song but one of the most powerful Christian songs I have heard in a long time! It pretty much sums up this moment that I am in right now! Its by FFH.

I can't find the words to pray, I'm a little down today
Can You help me, Can You hold me?
I feel a million miles away, And I don't know what to say
Can You hear me anyway?

What I need is for You to reach out Your hand
You have taught me no matter what You'd understand

CHORUS:

Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.

END CHORUS

I've looked every where to find a simple peace of mind
But, I can't find nothing on my own
So I gotta leave myself behind, take up this cross of mine
Give away everything I hold onto

Lord I know the only way is through this
But Lord, I know I need You to help me do this

CHORUS

Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.

Out of this place of complacency
To a place of fellowship with Thee
'Cause I am weak, but Lord, You are so strong
And You know it's been way too long
It's been way too long

Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move)...,
CHORUS

Mommy night out!!

Tonight is mommy night out. I am super excited! Once in a while I go out with a couple (or just 1) of my friends and we shop, eat, and have a great time! Its such a refreshing night and makes the longest of weeks end on the best note!! Its a night that EVERY mommy (or wife) needs to take once in a while to hang out with friends, share about life, get encouraged, laugh and just have a night where there is nothing you have to do. COME on 4pm!!!

Water Fun

We filled Stewart's pool with water out of the hose. Yes BIG mistake to take pitchers are "warm" water and fill it up the first time he uses it and then use the freezing cold hose water the 2nd time. He screamed and cried when I put him in the pool. No surprise since it was so cold. Needless to say he didnt actually swim in the pool but did like splashing around in the sprinkler end of it. I think after a week at the beach he will realize how fun it is to swim in a pool!

No new job news yet..

No news on the job front yet. We have about 1 1/2 months till the daycare closes and about a month till vacation. I guess I should get on calling daycares. Ugh!

1 sweet friend down, 2 more to go!!

Just a small warning: This may be kind of all over the place but Im trying so hard to post something POSITIVE on here!

I have 3 friends right now that have been super heavy on my heart. These are girls who long to be moms so much and are still in the waiting period (2 in the adoption process and 1 trying to conceive). Well tonight I found out that 1 of them has been officially picked by a birth mom and her sweet baby is due in the fall. I am SO beyond excited for her and can now officially pray for her, that sweet baby, and of course that birthmom as she goes through the next few months and years! Please keep her in your prayers! The next few months are a whirlwind of emotions all leading up to that day when the phone rings saying that baby is on the way.
I would never wish not being able to be a mom and having that desire to on anyone. It is the worst feeling. Its a feeling of complete despair and a feeling that your body has failed as a women. Thankfully for some women they go on to conceive. For others they chose to become a mom through adoption. And then there are a few girls I know that are at a crossroads of being forced into a place where they may continue on life without becoming a mom. Whatever road each of us are on its a road that none of us really chose.
Tonight despite feeling completely down about everything going on in my own life and feeling like everything is falling around me there are 2 things I am especially thankful for and reminded of as I hear this good news from my friend and that is Stewart and His birth mom. What an amazing gift she gave to me! Seeing his sweet smile just makes the world brighter!

Blah Update

Ive spent the last 2 days trying to be as checked out of life as possible and spending as much time as I can with my little man and my mom.
Monday mom went in bright and early for a muga scan. They injected her with (?) and then did a scan of her heart. I dont know the exact specifics of it but she did score lower than the doctor was expecting. She would have been disqualified from the clinic trial if it was still going on but then actually ended it on friday. She needed to score above 50 and was in the 40s. Her O2 was running 93/94ish and she would be more towards 100 so this concerns me a little. She has been more tired lately and more out of breath easily and this is so hard to see happen because it just automatically takes me back 1 1/2 years ago when she was on her death bed. UGH. The doctor decided not to do IV chemo. He is going to try her on a different clinical trial that is going on at the University of MN. Its an 8 week trial of a new drug and if they see improvement then she can stay on the drug. So right now that's all I know.
Nils didn't get the job we were waiting to hear on. He did however get a call at 3pm on Monday asking if he can come in 9am Tuesday to interview. The interview went extremely well and they ended up setting him up to talk with the VP after the initial interview. So this will save him a trip to do a 2nd interview. We are waiting to hear if he will get an offer. It sounds like a great opportunity for him and they offer flexible work hours which is great since the job is about 45mins away. I am really guarded and am trying not to get my hopes up too much at this point. I am being supportive and I hope more than anything that he finds something but I just can't take another disappointment or anymore heartache at this point. I am emotionally drained from everything going on that I just can't go down the road of thinking I may be done at the end of July.
I am taking this week off from even thinking about looking for a new daycare. I will start calling and setting up interviews next week to have a plan in place for when we get back from vacation. We also got a letter in the mail that our doctor is leaving the practice. When I say OUR i mean OUR. All 3 of us see him so I am pretty disappointed about this. Ironically his last day is the same day as our daycare's last day. UGH. Its not a major problem but its disappointing and 1 more thing to have to deal with rigtht now. My plate is full and I am done with the bad news!
Well that's about it. To say I'm feeling pretty low right now would be an understatement. Seriously Id just like to go and hide but life goes on and so I just put on my happy face and think about the happy things I have right now like a great relationship with my husband and our sweet baby boy. I know there are people out there who would love both of those things in their life right now.

Too much for 1 day....

Today was a day I could have done without. Today was the day I was supposed to officially get to turn in my notice to become a stay at home mom. Today was supposed to be a happy, wonderful day. Or so I thought. Today had other plans. We still don't know if Nils will get this job or if he will get a new job soon. We have until August 17th to figure out what is next for us.
Today my mom had an oncology. She has been on an oral chemo drug (she takes like 7 pills a day when she is "on"). Well this appointment turned out to be a very bad appointment. Her cancer is spreading again and there is a huge mass again on her liver and on her lungs. She will be going back on IV chemo asap. She has to have a scan tomorrow and another one on Monday and then Monday afternoon she will get the official plan. This is devastating. I know that miracles happen and that so many have happened in her and can happen again but I am having a really hard time with this. I need to quit working. I need to be available to take her to appointments and chemo. This NEEDS to be in the plan for our future and when I say future I mean in the next month. UGH. To say I am overwhelmed would be an understatement. I want to be able to stay home and take care of my son and my mom but this seems more like a need now than a want.
Please pray for my mom! Please pray that she will again have a miracle done in her! Please pray for Nils's job! He NEEDS this job. He was supposed to hear today but they postponed it till Monday so they could think it over. Please pray for both Nils and I. These last few months have really tested our faith. We know that God has a plan but right now we see some major changes about to happen and we are trying so hard to believe that it will all be fine. Its a lesson we just seem to have to keep learning over and over again and the harder life gets the MORE faith we need to have.
Thanks for everyone that has been there for us through all of this in the past! Somehow it will work out and everything will be fine right?

Stewart walks and screeches

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Anxiety

Anxiety has been something that I have struggled with in the past. It is something that isn't constant but when it shows up it shows up in a BIG way. Recently we have been going through some pretty big transitions in life. Nils is looking for new opportunities so that I can stay home (yes his current place knows this). Also our sweet daycare lady who I also consider a friend is closing her home daycare to teach 3rd grade. I am so excited for her because I know this has been on her heart for the last year or longer but she was such an easy decision for us. We knew that if she had an opening when our time came to become parents that we would send our child to her. She has been awesome and if I'm not the one taking care of him (or family) then Id want it to be her. I know most people aren't lucky enough to know their daycare provider ahead of time but we were. Well now is where the anxiety comes in. How can I leave him with a total stranger? How can I go to work everyday when I want to be the one staying home with him and drop him off at a place Ive maybe visited once. We have until August 22nd to come up with a plan. This is a plan I don't even want to think about or do anything with. I just want to trust and believe that he will find a job before then and that this was all apart of the perfect plan and timing but honestly I just don't. So I begin the search for someone and continue to dream of the day when I can get my dream job and I get to stay home for good. I get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes just thinking about this search. UGH. Pray he gets a job by August so that we can both be in our dream jobs!

These are the things we have been up to....

The last few weeks have been full and crazy!

-My grandfather had open heart surgery. The surgery was long and he had it down at Mayo so we were an hour away from him. Thankfully I got to take 2 days off to stay down there and then we all went back a forth to see him after that. He had the surgery on Monday the 23rd and by Friday he was home. He did amazing and still is doing great. He has hard days and it will be a long recovery but he really has come a long way! Nils was awesome through it all and took care of Stewart for 2 days straight! Im thankful that he is such a good daddy! I didn't worry at all and I know they boys both missed me!

-Memorial day weekend we had our family photos taken which you can see some of from my last post. It was a blast! We spent some time with my family, saw my inlaws, and just had a pretty low key weekend. It was nice! We also went to visit Ft Snelling where Nils's grandma is burried. It was the first time that we had been there since she died. It was a sweet moment for the 3 of us as we showed Stewart it and remembered her.

-Last weekend we met up with my sweet friend Allie at the outlet mall. She lives almost 3 hours away and now has 2 babies of her own so we don't get to see eachother very often but when we do we meet up at Dennys and they go to the outlet. It was a great day and my mom came along too. Then Sunday after church we went to my friend's 2 year old twin boys birthday party! It was a lot of fun to get outside and also chat with people we don't know too well or see very often. Nils took some pics for them at the party and he did such a great job! He has really gotten into photographer and has been doing great at it! I rarely use the camera but when I do I set it to AUTO! :)

-Speaking of my mom she broke her wrist. Thankfully she doesn't need surgery but since she is a nurse (and she did it at work) we aren't sure if she'll be able to work while she is off work.

Thats about it other than the usual every day routine which is crazy enough!

Now here's some sweet pics for your to enjoy!

My sweet boys!

This car is SO funny!

Riding in the back is way more than the front!

Thinking about getting in and driving

Im pretty sure we skipped most of May!?

Not really sure where the last month or even year for that fact went! Life has been crazy busy here but I'll have an update soon! Just wanted to let you know life is good and we are all great! :)
While you wait check out our AMAZING family photo preview. My heart melts everytime I see the sweet pic of my husband and my sweet little man! LOVE them! http://www.minneapolisphotographer.com/

Family Day at the Zoo