Reflecting on the last 7 1/2 years...

As my due date is coming soon I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the last 7 1/2 years. That's when this journey all started and I just can't even begin to explain how much all of this has changed me. Throughout this whole pregnancy it's always been in the back of my mind that "if" this baby makes then this chapter is closed. A chapter that has consumed so much of me and something that I have wanted my entire life and never knew back then that I would have to fight so hard to get.

We spent almost 2 years of trying on our own before we started getting tested for everything under the sun. Once we were given my diagnosis it seemed to me that it would just be so simple. We would try clomid and boom I would be pregnant. Well it sort of worked that way. We tried for a few months and then on my 3rd round we did IUI with it. On April 15, 2008 we finally got the answer we were hoping for. I was pregnant. Its ironic to me that this sweet baby girl is due the exact same day (5 years later) as my 1st positive pregnancy test. Unfortunately almost 12 weeks later that sweet baby was gone and after a horrible miscarriage (D&C) we picked ourselves back up and tried again. Then in November we would get another positive test but unfortunately that one ended much quicker at 5 1/2 weeks. I had a positive blood test and knew that I was but unfortunately minutes after telling my husbands family we were pregnant I went to the bathroom and began to lose that baby. (We actually went to this same restaurant for my husband's birthday this year and I went into the bathroom and all the memories came flooding back of that horrible day). We did a total of 9 IUIs and I can't even count how many infertility drugs went along with that. After that we decided to do IVF but after the mock transfer decided that we just needed a break. Two weeks later we decided to start the adoption process and less than 6 months later our sweet little man was born. The process went way faster than we could have ever imagined but we know without a doubt that God's timing was perfect because we had to go through all that to lead us to him. He has been the most amazing gift and we couldn't picture our life without him. Once he was born we never stopped trying (I never went back on any birth control once I was off of it).

Through those 2 years after our little man came alone I dove into more of what it really meant to have PCOS and what I could do to help my body. After talking with my doctor we decided to try Metformin. It's a diabetic drug that has shown to help women with PCOS to have full term pregnancies and also help regulate cycles. Since mine would go for months I decided it was worth a try. It did help somewhat regulate me but we still didn't get pregnant. When little man turned 2 my husband and I decided it was time to think about what was next for our little family. At that point we decided I would talk to my doctor and see what she thought. Could I try clomid with no monitoring and just try like normal people with that help of that. Well my appointment was at the beginning of July and at that point my cycle was well over 100 days so either way I needed her to do something. We talked about options and timing and everything because not only was my brother getting married but I was leaving on a mission trip to Panama at the end of the month. We also talked about research that I had found that said you could just start clomid on people like me at any time and didn't need to restart a cycle. So we decided that Id go home and start the clomid and go from there. It was strange to not be poked, prodded and all of that during an cycle but it was also a great feeling to just be "normal". We did use OPK's and it was also decided that I would take Metformin as well as progesterone during the cycle because that also helps to sustain a pregnancy. My brother's wedding came and went and the mission trip came and went. Well the next morning after arriving back in the states I decided to take a test. I really thought nothing of it. I'd seen a million negative tests before so when it immediately turned positive I was shocked. Never in a million years did I think it would be "that easy". I had several blood tests and ultrasounds and it was confirmed that everything was right on track (and that there was ONLY 1 baby). From there on out things have gone mostly smooth. Ive had ups and downs and spent a few months mostly on the couch but now here I am with a sweet baby girl moving in my belly and a due date that is just days away.

There are so many things I would change about how the last 7 years has gone but I know that everything happens for a reason. There were so many dark days during this process where I really believed that maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother because it just wasn't happening. The number one thing that I would change in all of this is that my mom would be here to see this sweet girl. She loved little man so much but she wanted so badly for me to be able to have one more child and hoped I would be able to have a girl. My mom was my best friend and someone I talked to everyday and saw most days. She was the most amazing mother and grandmother and it just breaks my heart that my kids will never get to experience how amazing she was. I only hope that I will be the mom she was and that I will have the same close relationships that she had with my brother and I; now with my son and daughter.

I am so ready to close this chapter of building our family and move on to the part of raising my sweet babies, being the best wife I can, and focusing on what I have in life and not what I am still missing.