As you can tell the last few weeks I've been in a pretty dark, lonely place. One that I can't even begin to explain and one that has left me feeling completely hopeless. I have so much on my plate right now that I just can't juggle another thing on there or I am sure to drop it all. Between this work stuff for Nils, the daycare closing, vacation coming up, my mom's cancer crap, trying to lose weight (which is a battle I am for sure losing right now), and infertility rearing its ugly head on me and making me feel completely broken I have just feel complete defeat.
The job thing seems to be looking good but we are still left waiting with the clock ticking down until our vacation. I have until next Wednesday at the latest to put my notice in otherwise I will have to be back to work the week after vacation and that is when the daycare closes which means I need to find some complete stranger to watch stewart.
Vacation coming up is a great thing but stressful in that we have so much unknown leading into it and after it. I would love to say that I can't worry about it but I just am.
My mom still has not heard from her doctor yet if she got into the trial at the U and if she can't we have no idea what Plan b is. She's made several calls into the office and they are still waiting or not getting back to her which is really hard. She just wants to know what is next. Something needs to happen soon because I can see her getting more tired when we are out and about and that scares me big time.
I have been trying to lose weight since January. I have HUGE plans of losing tons before we go on vacation but that just really hasn't happened. I have lost about 15lbs. Its not at all where I wanted to be and at 1 point was at 20 but just keep creeping back up again. I am going to the doctor on Thursday and hoping she has some insight. Part of all this difficulty could be my PCOS.
Speaking of PCOS. UGH. I hate it. I hate that it has screwed my body up so much. I hate that it makes me feel like less of a women because I can't get pregnant, I can't have normal cycles, I can't stay pregnant, etc. Don't get me wrong at all. I am SO in love with my little man that part of me is just so thankful I am finally a mom but the other part of me wishes so much that I could just get pregnant. That I could give him a sibling. Yes I know we can adopt again and who knows that may be the plan someday but it still burns to see pregnant people everywhere especially the ones who have multiple kids. Stewart is 14 months today. Its normal for people to start thinking about #2 and most don't have to think too hard about it; it just happens. For me I think about it and wonder if it will ever happen. Ugh. Hopefully this will be another thing the doctor can shed some light on for me on Thursday.
I am trying so hard to BREAK through this mess and take each thing one at a time but in reality I just can't focus on 1 item at a time. All of them are not small things. So for now I just keep praying, dreaming, hoping that all of this mess will be a thing of the past in no time and we can move past this and look back and see the whole plan unfolded.
One final note. I was in my car yesterday and my ipod was on random. This song came on. It is an older song but one of the most powerful Christian songs I have heard in a long time! It pretty much sums up this moment that I am in right now! Its by FFH.
I can't find the words to pray, I'm a little down today
Can You help me, Can You hold me?
I feel a million miles away, And I don't know what to say
Can You hear me anyway?
What I need is for You to reach out Your hand
You have taught me no matter what You'd understand
CHORUS:
Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.
END CHORUS
I've looked every where to find a simple peace of mind
But, I can't find nothing on my own
So I gotta leave myself behind, take up this cross of mine
Give away everything I hold onto
Lord I know the only way is through this
But Lord, I know I need You to help me do this
CHORUS
Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.
Out of this place of complacency
To a place of fellowship with Thee
'Cause I am weak, but Lord, You are so strong
And You know it's been way too long
It's been way too long
Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move)...,
CHORUS
This is such a powerful song! I love it! About 10 years ago, my husband at the time, walked out and abandoned me after 4 years of marriage. I was in the deepest valley of my life and I discovered this song. I listened to it day in and day out, over and over again. It helped me more than I could ever say.
ReplyDeleteThe Lord is reaching out his hand and He is helping you do this is. Remember that in the past 16 months the Lord HAS moved in ways that you have never seen before...and He will again April. My prayers are with you friend.
Looking forward to our lunch date next week! I'm a little bit of a PCOS encyclopedia and can relate to your feelings and stress in a major, major way.
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