Too close to home

I am a big fan of Greys Anatomy. I have seen every episode and it is by far the one show I have watched the longest out of any. Lately I'm having a hard time watching. The last two episodes have show people with lung issues and most recently the episode showed a girl who had to make the decision to take her parent off life support. This episode by far was way too close to home. I bawled as I watched the episode. I kept hoping that somehow this episode would end happy! I am not a crier when it comes to movies or shows but this crossed my line. We watched the monitor while my mom was taken off life support. We watched as her heart rate dropped, her o2 levels dropped, and we watched her fade. This is one memory I wish so much that I could get rid of. This is one thing I will probably never get out of my head but I hope so much that the more pictures I see of her the more that memory will start to fade.

Hopes, Highlights, and Dreams of 2012

I *stole this* from a sweet girl I know but I just loved her looking forward post instead of a look back post. I just don't think I can recap 2011.

So instead I thought I would do a hopes and dreams of 2012:
1) Get into a house. While we love our townhome it is time to get more space and thankfully we are now at a point to make that happen.
2) Either get pregnant or start the adoption process again. It may be more of an end of the year beginning of next year goal but I am finally at a place that I would love for our family to expand again if it's suppose to.
3) Cook more. I do cook meals for our family but I really want to get better at this and cook more exciting meals than burgers, sloppy joes, and tacos.
4) Travel more. My grandparents want me to take them on a couple of trips this spring/summer.
5) Entertain more (would help to have more space to do this)
6) Spend more time teaching little man new things. He loves to read and I need to do more of that with him. I'd also love to have some consistent play dates and outings with him.
7) More date nights with my husband and hiring a babysitter. A good friend of ours daughter is great with him and we need to get out more as a couple and with other couples.
8) Getting out of this rut I've been in and try to gain some peace about my mom's death.

Highlights of 2012 to look forward to (heavy on the travel plans):
1) Go to NYC. My best friend and I are headed there in Feb and I couldn't be more excited!
2) My brother is getting married in July.
3) Travel to FL to see my dad, go to the beach, and hopefully take Stewart to Disney!
4) Travel to DC for a wedding.
5) Travel to Mississippi for my cousins wedding.
6) Husband is turning 30! Gotta figure out something fun for him. I threw a surprise party for him last year and it was so great!

Can't wait to see how 2012 turns out but so far Id say its off to a pretty good start!

1 month

Today marks one month since my sweet mommy passed away. I can hardly believe its been a month already. I feel like I have gotten no where in the last month. I feel like the grieving hasn't even started yet and I am just numb. I'm wondering when that will actually happen. Im wondering when I will dig out of this rut and begin to "move on". I wish so much that she was still here. I sometimes wonder if we made the right decision and if we should have kept her on machines just to selfishly keep her here longer. Christmas is this week and it was by far her favorite holiday. She went all out every year and we would spend all year shopping for just the right things. She loved to shop and so did I. She loved to decorate the tree and so do I except this year I just couldn't do it. This year I have spent the last few weeks wishing we could just skip over the holidays. I know I need to get excited about it and I know I need to get in a better place because this is Stewart's 2nd Christmas. I need to enjoy for and with him.
I guess this post is going no where but I guess that's where I am.
Id like to go back to last year...I'd like to go back to this moment.

Im going to New York!! :)

I have been so dreading Christmas time this year for good reason and I really needed something to look forward to that will help get me through the next month. I wanted so much to just get away for Christmas but its just not going to be possible, so the next best thing? Book a trip to New York City with one of my best friends! :) I went there when I was in 8th grade but I was there a whole 2 days and it was a very scheduled trip and lets face it I was like 14 so there's only so much fun you can have. My friend and I have always said it would be so fun to go there together so I called her up a few nights ago and said let's go. She of course was just as excited as I was! Its a little hard to get away now that we are both mommies and we both stay home but thanks to family and our husbands we are having a Mommy weekend away for 5 whole days! YAY!

Where to even start....

This blog has been pretty slow lately because something major just happened in my life. My mother died. I lost my hero, my biggest cheerleader, my biggest supporter, and the best mother anyone could ever have on November 18th at 5:44pm. It was 4 days shy of her 61st birthday. She was more than just my mom. She was an amazing women who was very soft spoken but would do anything for you. I lost the women who made all my dreams come true when all else failed around me.
Did she die from the cancer? Well sort of. In August my mother started a new round of chemo. She had chemo 1 day then was off 3 weeks and did another dose. Thats it. After that all hell broke loose. She began to get short of breath and little by little that drug killed her. It caused fluid to back up in/on her lungs and when they got that cleared up after the 1st of her 3 hospital stays since September it slowly began to grow scar tissue on her lungs. Her scan in August was completely clear of the scar tissue (pulmonary fibrosis). Her scan during her 2nd hospital stay in October showed some scaring but nothing that they were concerned of. By November it had completely covered her right lung and began to grow on the left. Her final days were on 30 liters on oxygen which they had to bring in a special machine to do. Her last couple of days were hell on earth for both her and my family. There is no better way to explain it. She didn't know who we were and she was basically suffocating. It was horrible to watch and my grandparents, brother, his fiancee, my cousin, and I were all by her bedside as she took her last breath.
To say I am a wreck would be an understatement. I have no idea how to live life without my mom. I have no idea how to go on. I am completely numb and I have no idea when I will actually get that she is gone. I wish I had this magic button that would make everything better. I wish she were still here more than anything else. We had plans. She would move in with us someday and she would spend her retirement years with me and Stewart having fun all over town. Unfortunately that won't happen now.
I guess that's all I can say at this point.
This sucks!

Giveaway

Ok I guess I didn't explain it very well so I edited my post but thought Id explain better. Its $20 off. They used coupon codes instead of gift certificates since its done online. You just need to have $20 in your cart and it will take that amount off. So basically you'd just pay shipping. :)

Ever Blessed, Ever Grateful Review and GIVEAWAY!!

November is a month of giving thanks. There are so many things that I am thankful for in life but this year there are two BIG things that I am thankful for. The first is that my mom is here. She has been through so much up and down in the last month that I really began to wonder if she would even be here for the holidays. She is an amazing mom, grandmother, and friend and I would be completely lost without her. The other big thing I am thankful for this year is for the opportunity to stay home with my little man. I worked about a year after coming back from my leave and there was not a day that went by that I didn't hope and dream that someday I would get to stay home. I know that trusting the Lord in His perfect timing is something that I may always struggle with but His timing was exactly perfect for me to stay home. Between our daycare closing and my mom's bad health, this was the exact time that I needed to quit working and begin taking care of my little man and also my mom. I am so thankful that my husband was able to find a new job and that we are able to make ends meet without my income! 2011 has been such an amazing year and I can't wait to see all of the amazing things that I will be thankful for next year too!

A friend of mine recently did a review on her blog and as I looked further into it I registered my info and hoped to get an item to review too!

Well a week later a box showed up at our door and this beauty was inside:

What girl who likes to cook and LOVES to bake wouldn't want an adorable apron to do it in? This apron is a great size, tie neck strap and has a huge tie in the back. Some of the cute aprons I have seen out there have a small tie in the back and are not really a one size fits all like this one. It has a couple of cute pockets in the front and 2 ruffles at the bottom. My favorite part of it is the saying on it: ever blessed, ever grateful. It's perfect for the holidays coming up and all the cooking I will be doing but it will also be something that will last me a long time!


Now comes the best part of all of this! YOU have the opportunity to win a $20 coupon code to www.dayspring.com!(the code does not include shipping and you must have $20 or more in your cart and it will take $20 off. So if you only spend 20 then all you pay is shipping :) ). All you need to do is check out their website and leave a comment below with what you would use your coupon for from dayspring. If you follow my blog, post a 2nd comment stating that you are now or have been following me. If your profile page does not show your email address, please include your email address in your comment. I will use random.org to select a winner and will then notify you via email and on my blog. (Contest will remain open through November 13. Winner will be announced November 14.) With the holidays coming up this would be great to use for a gift or to buy yourself something great (Hint: ADORABLE apron). Can't wait to see who wins! Good LUCK!


Check out http://www.incourage.me/category/deals for upcoming deals and your chance to be apart of their reviews!


Also check out DaySpring's website for some great gift ideas.


P.S.  DaySpring gave me this product free to review, and all opinions stated in this blog are true and are my own.