Missing Camera part 2

Since my blogging fell off so much in the last few months I am finding things that I missed or pictures that I missed. Last year we started a new tradition with Stewart and that was going to the Macy's downtown to see their big christmas display. It's amazing. Its of Santa's workshop and then at the end you can get your picture taken with this amazing Santa.

Here's some pictures of this year. My grandparents went with me this year.

 Here's a few pictures from last year. My mother in law is on the left and my mommy is on the right. I so wish she could have been there this year and every year as a part of our tradition!

Missing Camera

Our camera went "missing". I looked everywhere except the one place it always was..One of my diaper bags. (yes I said one of. Its become a collection) I didn't end of taking it to New York which I was bummed about but the pictures I got were good enough with the iphone that I didn't really miss it after all. The camera has been giving me trouble and the pics are super blurry lately. Not sure what the issue is because its fairly new but my point of this whole thing is that there were pictures that I forgot about so here they are. We went to the MN children's museum with a couple of his buddies back in December and they all had a blast. One of his little friends moved away and we miss them tons!

Future mail man?

Grocery shopping with his lady friend

MMMM wonder how many kids have chewed on this before him?

I kind of want an apron for him because how adorable is this?

My moms craft room

There is a room at my mom's house that was just for her crafts. She has 3 sewing machines and 1 surger in there. It was a room we spent hours in making all sorts of random stuff. Well the last few weeks I've started to go through it. Im going to have an small space (8x8) to make into my own craft area and Im so excited to keep going with our projects. This past weekend I really just wanted to do something crafty. She has tons of random material, ribbon, and frames so my wheels started turning and here's what Ive come up with so far. Im slightly obsessed now with making these fabric flowers and decorating frames! Love how they look even when they aren't perfect. The zebra print ones Im going to use for our key holder in the mud room. We both shared a love of animal print so there will be some accents of that in the new place too.

Finding my way...

Some days are better than most but today was one of those where I had a moment that brought me back to earth. It wasn't a huge earth shattering moment but it was one that I need to remind myself daily of. I was sitting watching TV and I knew that nap time would be over soon so it was a matter of time before the little chattering started. As soon as it did I got up and headed up stairs. I stopped for a moment and took that walk upstairs in for a minute. I was going up stairs to get my little man up from his nap. I am so thankful that through all of this grief that I have this HUGE blessing that my mom helped bring into our life. If it weren't for her helping us get the money together so quickly and all the other steps to fall into place then I would not be a mother. She watched, waited, cried, and listened along our very long path to become parents. She sacrificed so much for me in 28 years and that was one that I will forever cherish. There are still several of my sweet friends that are still waiting for that chance and I am so thankful that it was my "turn" before my mommy left this earth. Everything has perfect timing even if we don't always believe or trust that (another thing I have to keep reminding myself of as I wish and dream that someday my little guy will be a big brother). The big picture will always unfold to us and when it does we wouldn't take back any of those moments because it lead us to right now. It led me to this point of getting the chance to be a stay at home mommy and allow me even the little moments with my little man.

Wishing I could change the past.

I don't really talk about my infertility much on this blog because its really meant to be all about what's going on now and not what happened in the past. I guess it is really a now still. I mean it doesn't just go away. I've had many people ask if we are still trying. Well my only response is we haven't stopped in 6 years. I try to keep all of that inside because it really was a dark part of my past. I'm not sure there is anything else that can make you feel like less of a women. Like some sort of failure. Tonight was just another one of those weak moments where I allowed myself to have a glimmer of hope. I finally gave into that little voice inside saying its happened before. I wish that I could change this in my course of infertility. I wish I could have never seen those 2 lines show up not only once but twice. I know that sounds so selfish but at least if I had never been pregnant I at least could be let down a little easier. I could cut myself a little bit of a break and say well its never happened so why would it now. Nope instead there's the thought of its happened in the past. Well of course it was another moment that I wish I could have taken back. Of course the test was negative. I stare at it and hope I see something, cry a little, and then toss it in the trash and wish I would have saved the money.
I thought about just saving this as a draft because really I just need to get this out and no one really needs to attend this pity party. But then again if I can't share the bad sometimes on here then it wouldn't seem like real life. Real life isn't pretty. Its not perfect. Its not always happy.
Well I'm going to go to sleep, pretend I didn't send my poor husband to the drug store at 9pm, and begin a new day tomorrow.

Its the little things...

Its the little things that I miss so much about my mom.

• Going to Joann fabrics. I've only been able to go there once since she passed away and it was somewhere we went almost weekly.
• Doing crafts in her sewing room. We have spent many hours in there making all sorts of projects. I recently started going through it and it makes me so sad that there are so many unfinished projects. Its my goal to at least finish some of them and will have the chance to once our house is built. I will have a little sewing area there.
• Talking to her every day. She called everyday. It would be at about the same time every day. She was either going to work (if she worked evenings) or coming home from work (if she worked days). It was always between 2:30 and 3:30. Thankfully I have a few saved voicemails from her that I can finally bring myself to hear. I never really noticed it but almost everyone starts with Hi Honey, this is mom.
• Seeing Stewart's face light up every time he would see her. He loved his grandma so much! She would usually ride in the backseat with him when we'd go places and she always called him her backseat partner. I try to show him her pic as much as I can and he always points to her and says "gramma".
• Cooking with her. This is one of those things I will never forget. I am so thankful I had the chance to cook with her. She had so many great recipes that didn't come from a cook book and thankfully because I cooked with her I am able to make some of them too. 
• Shopping. She was always up for shopping and we were at TJmaxx, marshalls, and target almost weekly. Even if we didn't buy anything we just loved to wander around there. We always had our Christmas shopping done by September or most of it anyways.

These are just some of the things I miss but I write this to say enjoy every moment you have with your parents! I know not everyone has the relationship that I did with my mom but if you do cherish those moments. I had no idea that those moments would be taken away from me when my mom was only 60. You never know what tomorrow holds so cherish today!

Happy Valentines Day!

After seeing all the fun breakfast meals that people were making on Facebook I got motivated and decided to make a fun dessert for us tonight (or at least try) but after realizing we have no eggs, there wasn't much to make! I had a box mix of angel food cake.
I learned 2 things:

Angel food cake rises more than I expected

Non stick doesn't happen it it's over flowing

But at least I could salvage the heart pans

At least my littlest valentine loved the scraps and loved baking with me and making daddy a card.

Blowing kisses!

Happy Valentines day! Hope you can spend it with the ones you love!

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