Update on me....

Well almost a month has gone by and I realized I need to get back on this horse and blog more! Its such a great way to keep track of things that happen in life and it really is good to get some things down on here.
I just got back from 5 days in New York with one of my close friends. We had a blast! We ate, walked forever, shopped, and had a few adult drinks. We woke up each day with no plan and it was so nice to have a break away. It gave me a chance to clear my head and try to pick myself up again.
These last 3 months have been hell. I wish I had a better way to describe it but it really has. There is not a day at goes by that I don't miss my mom and don't think about her. There is not many days that have gone by that I haven't shed a tear over her. She was really the 1 person that was always there.
I feel like whenever you are down there are so many other things you think about in your life that aren't the way you'd like and just keep falling farther and farther down. I am trying so hard to stay away from those thoughts but it's just so hard. I wish she was still here! My thoughts really need to change to I am so glad I had the time that I did with her and cherish those memories. I wish that I could just get pregnant like a normal person and have a sibling for Stewart without wondering if and when that will ever happen. My thoughts should be that I am SO thankful for him (which I am) and if he's all I ever have I am pretty freaking lucky! It's so hard to not wonder and wish I knew what the future was.

Some good news to share is that we are building a new house! We own a 2 bedroom town home right now but we are so ready for more space and really feel like now is the time. We have found a great open floor plan and we will have a full unfinished basement to expand later. It will have 4 bedrooms, 2 full baths, and a laundry room on the 2nd level. We should be breaking ground by the end of the month and the house will be done in late May. I will try to keep posts and pictures up with the process but right now its just open land. Here is what the exterior will look like.

Stewart is doing so great and he is just SO smart. I know every parent says that so I'm sticking with it. He has a big list of words that he says and even points them out when we see them or in a book. He loves cars, puppies, yo gabba gabba, and saying YEAH really enthusiastically. Its too funny. Here's some recent pictures of my sweet little man.

I am just now feeling like a stay at home mom. I know that I have been one since August but so much time was spent taking care of my mom that it just wasn't the same. Now I have weekly play dates, go to mom's group weekly, and don't get out of my pjs some days.
Well that's about all that's going on with us. Just trying to take 1 day at a time and enjoy the little moments that I have with my little man.

Pizza made easy: Cooking with Wildtree

I have been trying to cook a little better and am really going to try and eat better. I know I need to lose weight and one huge thing I can control is what I am feeding my family. One of my close friends has her own home business and she is selling some amazing stuff. She's not paying me or giving me anything to do this but it's too great not to share. (here's a little bit about Wildtree) Every Wildtree product is all natural with no preservatives.  Wildtree products contain:

• no high fructose corn syrup,
• no MSG,
• no harmful chemicals or additives
• and low or no sodium.  

It gets even better--there are many products that are:

• gluten-free
• dairy-free
• soy-free and
• everything is peanut-free! 

I have tried quite a few things from their line but so far my favorite is the pizza dough and garlic grapeseed oil. My mom use to make homemade pizza all the time so I decided to give it a try using some items that I had left over from other meals. 

Sauce is 1 can petite diced tomatos and 1 small can of tomato paste.

Mix 2 ingredients in bowl

Make pizza dough per directions on box. I used a little garlic grapeseed oil to get the dough spread on the pan. I also precooked the dough a little before putting ingredients on it.

Once dough is baked a little I add the sauce. I season it once its on the dough with garlic salt, pepper, Parmesan cheese, and Italian seasoning. Then I add whatever toppings I am going to do. I just did cheese and had some different ones left other from other meals.

Finished Product. I forgot to get a picture before I cut it up but it was SO good and SO nice to have everything on hand as a go to meal.

If you want to know more check out her site! http://www.mywildtree.com/katieheyer/

Too close to home

I am a big fan of Greys Anatomy. I have seen every episode and it is by far the one show I have watched the longest out of any. Lately I'm having a hard time watching. The last two episodes have show people with lung issues and most recently the episode showed a girl who had to make the decision to take her parent off life support. This episode by far was way too close to home. I bawled as I watched the episode. I kept hoping that somehow this episode would end happy! I am not a crier when it comes to movies or shows but this crossed my line. We watched the monitor while my mom was taken off life support. We watched as her heart rate dropped, her o2 levels dropped, and we watched her fade. This is one memory I wish so much that I could get rid of. This is one thing I will probably never get out of my head but I hope so much that the more pictures I see of her the more that memory will start to fade.

Hopes, Highlights, and Dreams of 2012

I *stole this* from a sweet girl I know but I just loved her looking forward post instead of a look back post. I just don't think I can recap 2011.

So instead I thought I would do a hopes and dreams of 2012:
1) Get into a house. While we love our townhome it is time to get more space and thankfully we are now at a point to make that happen.
2) Either get pregnant or start the adoption process again. It may be more of an end of the year beginning of next year goal but I am finally at a place that I would love for our family to expand again if it's suppose to.
3) Cook more. I do cook meals for our family but I really want to get better at this and cook more exciting meals than burgers, sloppy joes, and tacos.
4) Travel more. My grandparents want me to take them on a couple of trips this spring/summer.
5) Entertain more (would help to have more space to do this)
6) Spend more time teaching little man new things. He loves to read and I need to do more of that with him. I'd also love to have some consistent play dates and outings with him.
7) More date nights with my husband and hiring a babysitter. A good friend of ours daughter is great with him and we need to get out more as a couple and with other couples.
8) Getting out of this rut I've been in and try to gain some peace about my mom's death.

Highlights of 2012 to look forward to (heavy on the travel plans):
1) Go to NYC. My best friend and I are headed there in Feb and I couldn't be more excited!
2) My brother is getting married in July.
3) Travel to FL to see my dad, go to the beach, and hopefully take Stewart to Disney!
4) Travel to DC for a wedding.
5) Travel to Mississippi for my cousins wedding.
6) Husband is turning 30! Gotta figure out something fun for him. I threw a surprise party for him last year and it was so great!

Can't wait to see how 2012 turns out but so far Id say its off to a pretty good start!

1 month

Today marks one month since my sweet mommy passed away. I can hardly believe its been a month already. I feel like I have gotten no where in the last month. I feel like the grieving hasn't even started yet and I am just numb. I'm wondering when that will actually happen. Im wondering when I will dig out of this rut and begin to "move on". I wish so much that she was still here. I sometimes wonder if we made the right decision and if we should have kept her on machines just to selfishly keep her here longer. Christmas is this week and it was by far her favorite holiday. She went all out every year and we would spend all year shopping for just the right things. She loved to shop and so did I. She loved to decorate the tree and so do I except this year I just couldn't do it. This year I have spent the last few weeks wishing we could just skip over the holidays. I know I need to get excited about it and I know I need to get in a better place because this is Stewart's 2nd Christmas. I need to enjoy for and with him.
I guess this post is going no where but I guess that's where I am.
Id like to go back to last year...I'd like to go back to this moment.

Im going to New York!! :)

I have been so dreading Christmas time this year for good reason and I really needed something to look forward to that will help get me through the next month. I wanted so much to just get away for Christmas but its just not going to be possible, so the next best thing? Book a trip to New York City with one of my best friends! :) I went there when I was in 8th grade but I was there a whole 2 days and it was a very scheduled trip and lets face it I was like 14 so there's only so much fun you can have. My friend and I have always said it would be so fun to go there together so I called her up a few nights ago and said let's go. She of course was just as excited as I was! Its a little hard to get away now that we are both mommies and we both stay home but thanks to family and our husbands we are having a Mommy weekend away for 5 whole days! YAY!

Where to even start....

This blog has been pretty slow lately because something major just happened in my life. My mother died. I lost my hero, my biggest cheerleader, my biggest supporter, and the best mother anyone could ever have on November 18th at 5:44pm. It was 4 days shy of her 61st birthday. She was more than just my mom. She was an amazing women who was very soft spoken but would do anything for you. I lost the women who made all my dreams come true when all else failed around me.
Did she die from the cancer? Well sort of. In August my mother started a new round of chemo. She had chemo 1 day then was off 3 weeks and did another dose. Thats it. After that all hell broke loose. She began to get short of breath and little by little that drug killed her. It caused fluid to back up in/on her lungs and when they got that cleared up after the 1st of her 3 hospital stays since September it slowly began to grow scar tissue on her lungs. Her scan in August was completely clear of the scar tissue (pulmonary fibrosis). Her scan during her 2nd hospital stay in October showed some scaring but nothing that they were concerned of. By November it had completely covered her right lung and began to grow on the left. Her final days were on 30 liters on oxygen which they had to bring in a special machine to do. Her last couple of days were hell on earth for both her and my family. There is no better way to explain it. She didn't know who we were and she was basically suffocating. It was horrible to watch and my grandparents, brother, his fiancee, my cousin, and I were all by her bedside as she took her last breath.
To say I am a wreck would be an understatement. I have no idea how to live life without my mom. I have no idea how to go on. I am completely numb and I have no idea when I will actually get that she is gone. I wish I had this magic button that would make everything better. I wish she were still here more than anything else. We had plans. She would move in with us someday and she would spend her retirement years with me and Stewart having fun all over town. Unfortunately that won't happen now.
I guess that's all I can say at this point.
This sucks!