Wishing I could change the past.

I don't really talk about my infertility much on this blog because its really meant to be all about what's going on now and not what happened in the past. I guess it is really a now still. I mean it doesn't just go away. I've had many people ask if we are still trying. Well my only response is we haven't stopped in 6 years. I try to keep all of that inside because it really was a dark part of my past. I'm not sure there is anything else that can make you feel like less of a women. Like some sort of failure. Tonight was just another one of those weak moments where I allowed myself to have a glimmer of hope. I finally gave into that little voice inside saying its happened before. I wish that I could change this in my course of infertility. I wish I could have never seen those 2 lines show up not only once but twice. I know that sounds so selfish but at least if I had never been pregnant I at least could be let down a little easier. I could cut myself a little bit of a break and say well its never happened so why would it now. Nope instead there's the thought of its happened in the past. Well of course it was another moment that I wish I could have taken back. Of course the test was negative. I stare at it and hope I see something, cry a little, and then toss it in the trash and wish I would have saved the money.
I thought about just saving this as a draft because really I just need to get this out and no one really needs to attend this pity party. But then again if I can't share the bad sometimes on here then it wouldn't seem like real life. Real life isn't pretty. Its not perfect. Its not always happy.
Well I'm going to go to sleep, pretend I didn't send my poor husband to the drug store at 9pm, and begin a new day tomorrow.